A Promise.

Lately I have thinking I deserve pain.

Maybe because my feelings of self hate have been pretty high from the past week or two. I do not know what I want to do. That uncertainty is eating at me form the inside.

It hurts. But it doesn’t. I have paths in front of me. But I do not know what I want to do. I do not know what would make me happy.

I hate uncertainty.

I cannot stand when I do not know exactly what I want, how I feel or what I should do. That is my Achilles heel. That is what pains me the most.

Lately I have been thinking I deserve pain. Maybe pain would guide me to a decision. That’d dumb. That’s very dumb.

I am not going to let this uncertainty last though. I cannot. I have to achieve shit loads. I do not even know what. But I have to make use of my potential.

At least I have to find a way to be happy.

I don’t know if its money. Will I find happiness if I start earning? Or is it a significant other? I am happy when I fuck around and watch anime or read manga. But that happiness does not last. It comes for a while and fades away just as quickly.

I promise by 1st June, I will figure out what I want to do. What I want.

One thing I can try to do is just pick one and stick to it. My surroundings are my thoughts are too uncertain to allow for that. And I hate it. I HATE IT.

Idk if its gonna be GATE, or Freelance work with my dad, while applying to good companies. But whatever it is. I will have decided by 1st.

I promise. To myself.

Also I spent the whole of today watching HUNTERxHUNTER. That takes my self hate and stress to a whole another level.

I am not weak. I can decide my future. There is nothing that is “hard” for me. I am the greatest there has ever been, and there ever will be. I will not loose myself. I will stay true to what I am. I will figure it out. I will NOT fail. I cannot. I will not.